The End Is Near
No More Paper Panties or Horny Old Men For Me
I’m a free woman or at least reasonably priced
--
“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.” -Thomas Jefferson
Sixteen Weeks of Hard Work
My ordeal began early this spring and continued for sixteen weeks. I went to a cardio rehabilitation class three days a week for 60 minutes of exercise to strengthen my heart after the installation of a pacemaker/defibrillator.
The class was no joke — it was deadly serious. The time taken from your day thrice a week is 120 minutes. The early morning twenty-minute each-way drive with feckless Florida drivers was headache-inducing. Then, 20 minutes more prep time was needed while nurses and technicians delve into your personal habits and outfit you with the wireless EKG monitor.
The class had taken over my life, so I wrote several articles about it. I gave up my retirement routine to do the class.
Once, I wrote about the rehab, forcing everyone to wear paper panties after a biohazard incident that closed the facilities for a day while a forceful clean-up was done. Put On The Paper Panties, Please, They Said. I was not the one with the problem.
Next, I had an epiphany when I realized I was getting better each time I went to rehab, but I was still a bitter, ungrateful bitch. Complaining Bitterly As You Get Better. I tried to get better at being grateful for the good things in my life.
Then, one of the rich ancient men in the class tried to make a move on me-a sweet young thing in her sixties. Sixty-year-old women are not really attracted to an 87-year-old guy chasing them on a walker.
The man knew I was happily married and still hobbled his old self over to my machine to make a play. He told me he was wealthy, and my spouse did not need to know.
The man, who was wrinkled like a used hotel bed that had never been made in fifty years, attempted to hit on me. He Tried To Pick Me Up With A Disinfectant Wipe. I should have found it flattering being the Beyonce of cardio rehab.
