Member-only story
Be a Clown
When Life Gives You Lemons, Add Vodka
I don’t feel sorry if you dig a hole and then jump in it.
My husband’s friend, who used to be my friend, stood on the porch. I saw it was James on my Alexa’s display. I did not want to see him. This man was a friend of mine who was now an acquaintance. Why? He attempted to fuck every woman I introduced him to. Old, young, married, blind, crippled, and crazy. It did not matter; James would try to have sex with them.
I knew why he was on the porch seeking my spouse’s counsel. He was back from Brazil, where he had messed up royally. He came here straight from the airport. He was wrinkled and mussed. My husband was not home. I pressed the talk button.
“Hello, James,” I said. “Will is not home.”
James said, “Can I come in and wait for him?”
“James,” I replied. “You know you are not allowed in the house when Will is not home. No men are allowed in when my spouse is not home, and women are not allowed in when I am not home.”
James reached in his pocket like a homeless bum, pulled out a cheap half-pint of vodka, unscrewed the top, and took a huge swig. He wiped his lips with his hand, screwed the top back on the bottle, and returned it to his pocket. He is now sobbing on my porch…
