No, No, Hell No

You Haven’t Had Sex In 3.5 Years? Excuse Me While I Take This Call

Really, I need to take this now

Toni Crowe
4 min readSep 9


A man and woman in bed, the woman holds a phone
AdobeStock_209574122 / Author’s subscription

It is midnight, and my phone buzzes with a text message. It is a 911 text from my old friend in Texas.

The message said, “911. Call me right now!”

She answers the phone and launches into a one-way conversation to impress whomever she is with.

“This is Domonique,” she says. Her voice rises. “Oh, no. Is she alright?”

Ahh. This is an escape call. She is trapped, doing something she does not want to do and needs to get out of it. Ok. I have done my part. Now, it is up to her acting skills to save her. Let’s see how she does.

“No, I can’t come right now. I could get there in the morning. Have you called her family?” she says. I hear a male voice in the background.

She says to me, “You can’t locate anyone else.” She sounds panicked. More talking to the disembodied voice in the room with her. Then she says to the voice in the background, “Are you sure?”

“OK,” she says to me on the phone. “I will be there right away. What’s the address?” A pause then I hear her making apologies as she hangs up.

10 minutes later, she called me back. I picked up the phone and laughed, knowing she would tell me what was happening. This girl always is doing something ridiculous.

I answer with, “Is he gone?”

“Girl,” she breathes into the phone. “This man said he had not had sex in three and a half years. He told me that tonight as we were getting undressed. At first, I thought that would be great because I would get a few delightful rides.”

She pauses, “The weight of the situation sunk in. If this man has not had sex for three and a half years, he is more than ready. He could literally want to make love all night. I am for it.”

“Then he took off his underwear. This man is hung like a porn star. Too much of a good thing all night is not good.” She whispered like he was still there.

She repeated, “It was huge. The biggest dong I have ever seen. So, then I thought, three and ½ years. He will be thirsty. Nope, I…



Toni Crowe

Willing to share whatever I've learned in life. Best-selling author. Writes whatever she wants. Owner: No Air. Editor, MuddyUm.